I have found out why my life feels so incomplete. Its because I am in love but I want more out of what I have in my relationship. I mean I am in school now but its just not making me happy. I have realized that I have everything now that I have ever wanted but I am still not happy and I will not be happy until my life is complete. When I say complete I mean by a baby. I am not saying that I am just going to go out and have sex with someone and say dont wear a condom and then hope I have a baby and have to lve with my child possible not having a father because I know for damn sure that my boyfriend is not ready to have a family and I know he cant handle that kind of responsability and yet I want a baby so bad. I feel at times that even he does not love me like I love him and I feel at times that no one really cares about me but when I am with my nieces or talking to my God daughters and the first time I held Lakeyia and little Paris I knew that I was ready to be a mommy. The way a baby feels and the love that you have for a tiny little baby is unexplainable. I feel the happiest when I am around babies and knowing that there are babies out there that have no families and have no where to go and no real mommy or daddy to take care of them I want to make a difference and save a baby but I still have to wait until I have a place to raise a child and the money to give my child everything that he/she needs and I cant just yet because I am not finacial set to even take care of myself just yet alone. I know I need to get a job maybe two jobs that are year round so I can get on my feet for the first time and stop being so dependent. I need to start doing stuff on campus and try to balance out my life and I know for damn sure I need to find something that makes me happy thats not just being with my boyfriend to hide my unhappiness in where I am going in life. Yes I am in college big deal. I am not even sure I want to be a teacher I just want to be a mom and be able to have someone depend on me I want to get out in the world explore what else is out there besides what is just in Michigan.
Since the whole Katrina incident I am at a point in my life where I want to go out and help people who have less then I do. I have had everything handed to me and it time that I help someone else for a change and get off my butt and stop complaining about not having friends and all that crap here and do something about it. I have a wonderful mentee and the greatest roommates and I dont take the time to appreciate just how great they are. I have friends back home that instead of giving up on them I should be taking the time to work things out and be the friend that I said I was going to be when we all first became friends. I need to be an adult and put all the childish games behind me and do what I need to do in life so that I can stop looking back and wondering what if I would have done this...
It time for me to become that someone that I want to be and stop saying thats what I should be doing. Its time to take life serious because no one is going to take things serious for me. I am tired of being alone and frustrated and feeling like I have nothing to live for. I want to be a mom one day and a wife and I need to reach out for that but until any of that happens I need to just get by with what I am doing here so people will know I mean buisness. I few more years to go and I will live out my dream of becoming a mom to children of my own and maybe adopting a few international babies but until then I am just going to be me
"Cherish" Stephanie Nicole Walker, talented, friendly, caring, warm, loving, goal setted, cute, passinate Stephanie. All the negative is behind me and my new life starts today.